Looking back and going forward

2014 has come and gone, and I still am childless. As I look back to the beginning of this year, I was full of hope and excitement with all the movement in my adoption. I was preparing for the final walk through of my home study and moving forward with all sorts of different required paperwork. There was so much positive in the process.

Fast forward to December 2014. Thinking that I would have him by now. I find that I know the feeling of having missed out on buying/creating a costume for Halloween, missing out on giving an extra thank you on Thanksgiving, and missing out on the excitement of Christmas with my little boy. Knowing they have the little guy all picked out makes it even harder to accept. I just want to scream, "ARGH" every day I don't get that email.

I know that I have given the timeline of this adoption to The Lord, and I know it will happen when it is supposed to. That does not make it any easier to be alone. I continue to pray for strength to stay focused and be optimistic daily.

So many things have happened this year. I have moved ahead in my running and really focused on half marathons. I have done my best to be a good teacher at church. I have always tried hard to be a great friend. There are many things, that happened, I am truly grateful for. There are certain things that ended, which affected me more than I would have ever believed.

It makes me wish I knew the plan for me, both in the adoption and in life. I wish I knew who, what, when, where and most definitely, WHY.

I know where my heart lies in different areas of life, yet, the hardest part is accepting that I don't get to choose how things play out.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to make this process move faster. The only thing to do now is to focus on me and preparing myself even more. With that said, I focus on making my new years resolutions. Hoping to become a better person (physically, emotionally and spiritually), a better friend, and hopefully, a great mom when the time finally comes.

Here is to hoping that 2015 is the year I have my own little family.