Heartbroken but still alive

3:12pm on 7/8/2015 I was sitting in a doctor appt with Grandma O, my phone rang and my heart leapt as I saw that it was Kathy from CHI. I couldn't answer at that moment, but as my phone buzzed again noting that I had a voice mail, I pretty much stopped listening to the doctor and could only focus on maybe this is "THE" call I had been waiting on.

It was another 10 minutes with questions and answers going back and forth, me just praying it would be finished soon.  Finally that moment came and it took everything I had to wait until I got outside to listen to the message. Kathy asked me to call her quickly. Thank goodness for cell phones and the ability to hit one line and have it re-dial. I sat in my car and listened as she explained that they completed the 2nd birth father interview and he declined to give his son up, then took him home with him. My mind and heart went numb, most of what she said after that is a blur, though I remember her talking about some older boys and being the most patient adoptive parent ever.

I kept my composure until we hung up, then I lost it. All emotions balled up into tears. what more could I do at that moment? There were no words to explain what was going through my mind. There was nothing I could punch that wouldn't shoot an airbag back at me. So tears came. After that I went numb, no emotions, no words, not even sure I was existing at that moment.

My heart broke right about 3:25pm that day. For one full year I had mentally, emotionally and physically prepared myself to become his mama. I knew his name, and his age and had made plans, oh so many plans in my mind for when he got here with me. All taken away in a 5 minute phone call.

Yes, my life moves forward. I get up every day and go to work, I do what I need to do to go on.

Outwardly most people won't even know I have gone through this. Smile on my face, jokes when appropriate, etc

Inwardly, I feel so broken. My mind and heart are still numb. My brain only thinks about a new boy with a new wait time. Will it now take another year? Why after all this time did he refuse to allow him to be adopted? Why me? (I know that is selfish, but I just want to be something to someone)

Updated my paperwork today with new age range from 2-9 years old. We will see what happens. I still trust that the little nugget I get will be the one I am supposed to raise. We will both get what we need in each other. He doesn't even know I exist, he doesn't even know I am working towards becoming his mama. His pain is so different than mine.

How I pray for strength, how I pray for understanding of all this process. I hope I feel the answers soon.

Kayleen's Kid Quest continues.........