Home Study update meeting

Last night I met with the social worker assigned to me, so we could update my home study report. As we sat down, she asked me about my conversation with the adoption agency worker, Kathy. I felt like she was fishing to see what my story was going to be, compared to what Kathy told her. (Since I knew they had already spoken on the phone, last week) It was about this time that I found out I was stronger about the loss of the little nugget matched to me, and the more questions she asked me, the more I realized that maybe he wasn't meant to be mine this whole time.

Let me explain:

As I started to tell Melissa (Social Worker) about the call. I found that I didn't get emotional. Yes it still hurts my heart, but that emotion part was gone. Answers came into my head that made sense of where I am. I told her how hard it had been the past week and the feeling of loss. I think she was looking to see where I was mentally and emotionally with what had happened. Did I hate the whole process? Was I angry and ready to pull out? Was I going to stop the process? Things I am sure she has dealt with on several occasions, being in this field of work.

She, then, started to ask about friends and relatives and how they are reacting. She started a question that I actually finished for her. (Can you guess the answer was yes?) She asked if I had people thinking this was a scam. Yes, very much I do. I have people who love me and are worried about me getting hurt. That is completely acceptable to me.  She told me about her brother and sister-in-law who had a little girl from Ethiopia matched, been out there to meet and build their relationship with her (a couple of times) and were on their way to pick her up when the birth mother changed her mind. Made me think that I was on the lucky side of this backward step.

She told me about a friend of hers who had adopted a little girl from China and when they got home, the mom wanted another one ASAP. Her husband said no and was pretty adamant about it, so she stopped talking about it, though she always felt there was another one there for them. One day, he came to her and told her that he was now ready and they started up the process. When they were matched with a little baby girl, the date of birth on her certificate was the day he told his wife he now felt ready to move forward. (Yes I got chills too).

As she told me this story, the thought came to my mind that I didn't know anything about this little boy except his name and his age. Though he had been chosen for me for about a years time, I had not emotionally or physically bonded with this guy. Really the pain stems from delays and just wanting to be a mom.....SO BADLY.  My mind moved forward with the thought that maybe this little boy was in place to keep my mind focused while the boy I am going to get was preparing to become available. Maybe it was The Lord's way of me keeping my mental stability while I wait for this to be completed.

I know that I felt at peace with where things are. It was like a moment of clarity after a week of my mind being in a haze of sadness, mixed with frustration. I am not saying I received answers for everything I am going through, but I did get what I needed to move forward from this setback. I am hoping that comes across and makes sense. (In my mind it does, but that can just be scary)

We then went over my paperwork, made sure that everything was correct and complete. Boring stuff that you really do not want me to report back to you.

So this is where I am, at this point. I have to go down to the Bureau of Criminal Investigation (BCI) to have fingerprints taken, submit those to the FBI for a background check, When I get the report back, I submit it to Immigration so I can get an appointment to get fingerprinted for them. All before September, when the paperwork expires.

She did mention that Ethiopia (which I had been assigned to for about 8 months) is moving slower than Haiti is right now. It is moving at a "snails" pace I am told. China is an option for me and things there are moving along quite quickly. However, my little man is not there, he is in Haiti. I was "told" that. I have to keep the faith, and I appreciate those who have faith in me that I am doing what I am supposed to be.

So ask me where I am emotionally. I will say drained. Ask me if I am angry. I will say no. I am not sure what I am feeling at this point. I just know that I am adopting a little boy, and that is a HUGE adventure in it's own right. With all good adventures, there is a wide range of emotions that go with it. There will always be ups and downs, that's what make the end result worth it. Those emotions are what make the memories come to mind when you look back on those photos (blogs).  This is a GRAND ADVENTURE and I will take all those emotions that go with it, so I can appreciate the reward at the end. Thank you for being a part of this with me.

I will continue to move forward and prepare for my little nugget, whoever he may be.  I will continue to hope and pray that it happens soon, but also in the time it is supposed to happen. One day you will all get to meet this little man, and I can't wait to make the rounds to introduce him to you all. I am providing an ultrasound photo so you can all see that he is still in there.

Kayleen's Kid Quest continues........... slowly, but continuing......