Over the last couple of weeks I have reflected on my life and where I am. What I realized is that I know I am where I am supposed to be and am doing what I am supposed to be doing. However, I feel like there is such a big hole there. I can definitely feel that something big is missing.
Waiting has become the hardest part of this adoption. I want to have my little boy here to begin loving, teaching, and have him rely on me for the new things in his life, I look in his room every time I walk by and just miss that even more. Patience is something I am really learning about during this process. Though from the beginning I have said, that this will happen in His time. I want it to be the right child for me.
I think what I feel like I am missing the most, is being needed. Right now I basically just exist. I have no one that really "needs" me. I do help my mom with certain things she needs, but she is a pretty self sufficient "go-getter" and does a lot of things on her own (though I wish she wouldn't do as much).
Over the years I have come to learn that moms are always needed, by all their children. Kids rely on moms for the loving and tender touches when hurt. The rely upon them for snacks, meals and desserts (I am pretty sure I can learn this part). They rely on them for making sure their clothes are clean and ready to wear. There is more I can go into, but I think you all understand where I am going with that.
In my case, I will be playing the role of dad as well, so he will need me to help him learn to play soccer, baseball, and football along with others things dads do. For the first half of his life he will need me. I am missing that feeling of being needed.
There are a number of people I need in my life, I don't know where I would be without them. I need their strength to help me stay strong. I need their love, to help me feel like I am loved. I need their testimonies to help me stay close to The Lord. I need their friendship to help me know I am not alone.
I feel like everyone should need someone and should be needed by someone in their life. It gives them purpose when there is nothing else. Now, I am not saying I have nothing else, because I most certainly do. Please don't take it wrong to make this seem like I am having a pity party, because that is so far opposite of my thoughts here. These are just random thoughts I have had lately about being needed. Isn't this what a blog is all about?
I LOVE MY LIFE and what I am doing.
I LOVE where I am.
I AM HAPPY with who I am.
I AM Kayleen :-) (oh man, this made me laugh- I crack myself up)
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A funny thing happened on my way to adopting......
So I received my psychological evaluation report yesterday, looking all nice and notarized. I read through it and found that I scored very high on the test I took for him. It appears that he has determined I am very comfortable in social situations (that's not the funny part). Basically it states I have no mental health concerns, in other words I am NOT insane (still not the funny part).
The funny part is that I read through the report twice to make sure there was no incriminating sentences against me. Then I started to make sure everything was in place to scan it and send it off to the adoption agency when I noticed at the very top the birth date listed was 10/10/91 (21 year old)........Ummmmmmmm, I WISH. (Basically I would have been born while I was serving my mission). So in one place it said I was 21, then in the first sentence it stated 44 (hmmm, wonder if that would have been held against me).
Anyway, that was the last big concern from my dossier list. Now it's just the reference letters and then I will be ready with my paperwork.
Kayleen's Kid Quest continues........
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Finally......an update
It has been brought to my attention recently by a number of friends that I have not posted anything on my blog lately. This is true looking at the last posting date (March 28), so I do apologize for the lack of writing. However, there hasn't been anything to post about since I had been in a holding pattern waiting for the background clearance from Nova Scotia to come back. It finally has and now I have a bit of information to let you all know about.
While I was waiting for the background clearance to come through, I decided to move forward with what I could on the dossier requirements so I researched and made an appointment with a psychologist for my evaluation. Found out I am sane.......yay me!!! Also, what started out as a two weeks process with a number of appointments turned into one 2 hours session and I should have his report by this Thursday. All I need now is the notarized reference letters from a couple of my friends (you know who you are) and I will have all the paperwork complete and ready to do.
They want me to have a little bit more in the bank so I am working on that as well. I will be holding one more yard sale this year (beginning of June) to raise some of that. If you did any spring cleaning and would like to donate anything for the yard sale, please let me know, I can come pick it up. Also, I finally got the pictures for my online auction, I am hoping to have that up within about a week. Anyone who is donating items to that, if you could get me your photos, that would be great.
His room is all but done. I do need to get pictures on the walls and it will be ready for him to come home. I am so excited with how it has turned out. I will let you know when it is complete, then you can feel free to stop by and see it in person. (Of course I will get photos uploaded here soon as well). Since I don't know what his likes are, I am going with a truck and car theme. It's going to be one cool room.
While I am still being told I should be able to go get him before the end of this year, my hopes are high that it could be by the end of summer. It depends on how quickly the dossier and approval goes in Haiti and then how long for a referral. I am doing everything I can on my end to have everything needed to submit the paperwork as soon as it's required.
While I was waiting for the background clearance to come through, I decided to move forward with what I could on the dossier requirements so I researched and made an appointment with a psychologist for my evaluation. Found out I am sane.......yay me!!! Also, what started out as a two weeks process with a number of appointments turned into one 2 hours session and I should have his report by this Thursday. All I need now is the notarized reference letters from a couple of my friends (you know who you are) and I will have all the paperwork complete and ready to do.
They want me to have a little bit more in the bank so I am working on that as well. I will be holding one more yard sale this year (beginning of June) to raise some of that. If you did any spring cleaning and would like to donate anything for the yard sale, please let me know, I can come pick it up. Also, I finally got the pictures for my online auction, I am hoping to have that up within about a week. Anyone who is donating items to that, if you could get me your photos, that would be great.
His room is all but done. I do need to get pictures on the walls and it will be ready for him to come home. I am so excited with how it has turned out. I will let you know when it is complete, then you can feel free to stop by and see it in person. (Of course I will get photos uploaded here soon as well). Since I don't know what his likes are, I am going with a truck and car theme. It's going to be one cool room.
While I am still being told I should be able to go get him before the end of this year, my hopes are high that it could be by the end of summer. It depends on how quickly the dossier and approval goes in Haiti and then how long for a referral. I am doing everything I can on my end to have everything needed to submit the paperwork as soon as it's required.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Going back to the beginning
I am not sure how many of you know the story of my decision to adopt, but I think I will tell you just to explain a decision recently made.
It was close to a year ago that the idea of adoption was planted in my head. It was after a youth fireside we attended where the speaker had talked of his adopting a little girl from Haiti. That was the seed, and from there the idea grew and thoughts got stronger. One morning while laying in bed, fully awake, there was a little voice (which sounded like it was right by my ear) which said, "mommy". This was an audible voice, not something in my head. so needless to say, I sat straight up. I closed my eyes and prayed for understanding of what just happened. Adoption is what came as that answer. Haiti was the country, that was such a strong feeling. There was no doubt that I would adopt a little boy from Haiti. After several weeks of pondering and prayer, also several trips to the temple for more focus. I knew that the this choice was right for me. At this point I hadn't told anyone about it, it was something I felt I needed to get a little deeper into before I shared my new quest.
I started researching adoption and who might be the best to work with and came upon Children's House International. I forwarded my information on to them and to my surprise the woman who responded is from Lehi, Ut and had a son on his mission. (she lives in both Utah and Bolivia), it was kind of an answer if this was the right place to work through. I submitted my information and was told that I was approved to move forward with the adoption. It was only after this happened that I shared my new quest with a very few people. I started working on all the requirements needed.
About three months into the process, I was told that Haiti was closing to become a Hague process and I was not far enough along in the process that I could stay so I would have to choose another country. Let's just say that I was in complete shock because Haiti was such a strong answer for me as to where I should adopt from. There was never a question in my mind as to where my little boy would come from. Why would The Lord confirm with me that Haiti is where I should adopt only to have the pulled away after such a short time?
It was at this time I was given three other countries to choose from, after much prayer and pondering, Ethiopia was the answer I was given, even though it was really expensive to travel to.Although a serious concern about how to get the money to travel there twice, I still felt it was right. So I called and moved forward with it. For the next 6 months, my heart and soul were in Ethiopia. I had accepted this change and knew that my little boy, wherever he was from, would be loved no less by me. I went through all the paperwork and was in the middle of my home study when my social work told me, "So, I have some news", which I am not going to lie, almost gave me a heart attack, so I asked what it was. She then told me that Haiti has been reopened and I could still move back over.
I had put so much time and heart into Ethiopia that I told her I wanted to stay. Little did I know, The Lord really did want me to go back to Haiti. My original answer was right, I just needed to trust Him. I hope I showed my faith by accepting Ethiopia in the interim, but it seems Haiti was always the answer. As one friend told me, "maybe my little boy wasn't quite in the age bracket I was requesting, so I needed to wait for him to get into that group." Whatever the reason for the change, I was willing to adopt from whichever country The Lord guided me to.
When my social worker turned the home study report in, her supervisor had a couple of concerns with it and both of them suggested maybe I change back to Haiti. This made me wonder why they kept saying I should. I started the process of prayer and temple visits again to gain a better understanding of what I needed to do. This time, it seemed to take forever to receive an answer. Maybe I just expected it because from the beginning, the answers had always come so quickly and they were so definite. Just before one temple trip and friend posted a message that maybe I needed to make a decision and have the Lord confirm it, rather than just rely upon Him for the answer. What a turn of thoughts for me at that point. I went to the temple with a totally different mindset. It was a few days after that I received confirmation that I should go back to Haiti for the adoption.
Maybe I was given the answer of Ethiopia because it was so expensive and He knew it would be a little easier for me to move back when the time was right. Anywho, after that long detailed description of what has happened, the jest of the story is this.........
I am now (again) adopting from Haiti.
I am currently in a holding pattern waiting for the background checks to come back from California, Nevada, and Nova Scotia. There might not be much to say, but still so much to do to prepare for his arrival. Slowly but surely we get the house a little more ready. I prepare myself a little more each day to become a mom. One day, this will happen and I have such an excitement about it.
It was close to a year ago that the idea of adoption was planted in my head. It was after a youth fireside we attended where the speaker had talked of his adopting a little girl from Haiti. That was the seed, and from there the idea grew and thoughts got stronger. One morning while laying in bed, fully awake, there was a little voice (which sounded like it was right by my ear) which said, "mommy". This was an audible voice, not something in my head. so needless to say, I sat straight up. I closed my eyes and prayed for understanding of what just happened. Adoption is what came as that answer. Haiti was the country, that was such a strong feeling. There was no doubt that I would adopt a little boy from Haiti. After several weeks of pondering and prayer, also several trips to the temple for more focus. I knew that the this choice was right for me. At this point I hadn't told anyone about it, it was something I felt I needed to get a little deeper into before I shared my new quest.
I started researching adoption and who might be the best to work with and came upon Children's House International. I forwarded my information on to them and to my surprise the woman who responded is from Lehi, Ut and had a son on his mission. (she lives in both Utah and Bolivia), it was kind of an answer if this was the right place to work through. I submitted my information and was told that I was approved to move forward with the adoption. It was only after this happened that I shared my new quest with a very few people. I started working on all the requirements needed.
About three months into the process, I was told that Haiti was closing to become a Hague process and I was not far enough along in the process that I could stay so I would have to choose another country. Let's just say that I was in complete shock because Haiti was such a strong answer for me as to where I should adopt from. There was never a question in my mind as to where my little boy would come from. Why would The Lord confirm with me that Haiti is where I should adopt only to have the pulled away after such a short time?
It was at this time I was given three other countries to choose from, after much prayer and pondering, Ethiopia was the answer I was given, even though it was really expensive to travel to.Although a serious concern about how to get the money to travel there twice, I still felt it was right. So I called and moved forward with it. For the next 6 months, my heart and soul were in Ethiopia. I had accepted this change and knew that my little boy, wherever he was from, would be loved no less by me. I went through all the paperwork and was in the middle of my home study when my social work told me, "So, I have some news", which I am not going to lie, almost gave me a heart attack, so I asked what it was. She then told me that Haiti has been reopened and I could still move back over.
I had put so much time and heart into Ethiopia that I told her I wanted to stay. Little did I know, The Lord really did want me to go back to Haiti. My original answer was right, I just needed to trust Him. I hope I showed my faith by accepting Ethiopia in the interim, but it seems Haiti was always the answer. As one friend told me, "maybe my little boy wasn't quite in the age bracket I was requesting, so I needed to wait for him to get into that group." Whatever the reason for the change, I was willing to adopt from whichever country The Lord guided me to.
When my social worker turned the home study report in, her supervisor had a couple of concerns with it and both of them suggested maybe I change back to Haiti. This made me wonder why they kept saying I should. I started the process of prayer and temple visits again to gain a better understanding of what I needed to do. This time, it seemed to take forever to receive an answer. Maybe I just expected it because from the beginning, the answers had always come so quickly and they were so definite. Just before one temple trip and friend posted a message that maybe I needed to make a decision and have the Lord confirm it, rather than just rely upon Him for the answer. What a turn of thoughts for me at that point. I went to the temple with a totally different mindset. It was a few days after that I received confirmation that I should go back to Haiti for the adoption.
Maybe I was given the answer of Ethiopia because it was so expensive and He knew it would be a little easier for me to move back when the time was right. Anywho, after that long detailed description of what has happened, the jest of the story is this.........
I am now (again) adopting from Haiti.
I am currently in a holding pattern waiting for the background checks to come back from California, Nevada, and Nova Scotia. There might not be much to say, but still so much to do to prepare for his arrival. Slowly but surely we get the house a little more ready. I prepare myself a little more each day to become a mom. One day, this will happen and I have such an excitement about it.
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