Coffee...... a new fundraising experience

Kayleen's adoption page - https://JustLoveCoffee.com/kayleenskidquest

I have found a new fundraising idea which covers a completely different area than I have gone in the past.  It is COFFEE, yes I have many, many friends who drink coffee, some of them almost cannot function (and sometimes I don't even want to approach them) until they have had their coffee. You all know who you are. (awe, you know I love you)

I came across this website from an adoption post on Pintrest so I thought I would look into it and found that I liked their story, and the fact they offer this service to adoptive families at no cost is a blessing.

With that being said, please look into maybe trying this coffee out. (Shipped right to your door). If you feel so inclined, please share the link with your family, real life friends, facebook friends, Instagram, etc. A quick share could really make this fundraising experience go far.

Thank you all for the many things you do to support me. Sharing this is such a small step, but can go so far in the social media realm of things. Please let me know if you have any questions.

The link to my adoption page is - https://JustLoveCoffee.com/kayleenskidquest



This is how I benefit from the sales.

12oz. Coffees (non-small lot): $5
8oz. Coffee (non-small lot): $3.00
10-count Single-Serve Cups: $2.50
Tastes of Africa (4) 8oz. Sampler: $7
Tour of The World (4) 8oz. Sampler: $7
Coffee Cupper's (11) 8oz. Sampler: $19
Jamaica Blue Mountain (small lot): 4oz. ($3)  13oz. ($9)
Special Blend–I Love Mom: $5
Special Blend–Pinky Beans (Available in October only): $0
T-Shirts: $5
Sale T-Shirts: $3
Sale Hoodie: $4
Beanie: $3
Hat: $3
Stoneware Mug: $2
16oz. Steel Tumbler: $2
Aeropress: $5
Aeropress Microfilters: $.25
Coffee Scoop: $1
Chemex Brewer: $3
Chemex Filters: $0
LaMarzocco Espresso Machine: $0

Falling hard

I watched a video this morning of a college student from Penn State running a 600 meter race, she was a favorite to win. As the race progressed into the start of the last lap, she tripped and went down, almost having another runner trip over her. The three still on their feet kept going, and the girl who fell jumped back up and started running again. She was hauling around that track and ended up winning that race. I was in complete shock as I watched that girl just do what she had to do to finish, let alone WIN.

Yesterday was a tough day for me, I fell hard. My emotions got the best of me and I couldn't turn them off. They knocked me down, HARD. I was pacing, I was anxious, I felt completely out of control. I am sure this happens at some point to "pregnant" women all the time. It's a new feeling for me. For the most part I am in control of who I am, emotionally.  Last night was just all around a hard night.

I felt sorry for my friend who listened to me struggle with the emotions of what I was feeling, but so thankful she was there for me. She helped me back up so I can complete the race. I will finish this race, I will WIN, just as the girl in the video did.

I have so many people on my side, cheering me on, that it is hard to give up. There will be times I want to, there will be times I want to just crawl into bed and forget the world exists for a while, times I don't want anyone around (but so desperately need someone by my side). This pregnancy is one wild ride, and one I thought would be a little smoother for me.

I will grow from this, not sure how or when, but grow I will.

Kayleen's Kid Quest continues...........

FBI

Nothing like opening your email to see and email from the F.B.I., yes heart kind of skipped a beat. Being the goofball that I am, I signed everything except the first page of my paperwork (and mom's). Luckily, I only had to have both signed, scanned and emailed back to them. Hopefully they can still complete and ship the report back to me today. We shall find out.

I followed up with my contact at the adoption agency to let her know what was going on. She informed me that she has not received any updates from Haiti, so that means, as of right now, no match with a little dude.

So what to do now? I will have to just keep moving forward with preparing myself physically, mentally and financially.

Physically, I am still preparing myself for my very first full marathon in October. I also started taking some classes to become Clinical Weight Loss Practioner (Still figuring out what that all means). However, it will help me focus on my weight loss in a very personal way. Then I am hoping to start my own client base and help others.

Mentally, I am focusing on the things I need to do to prepare to be a mom. I still look in his room daily and see little dreams of what it will look like to see him sleeping in his bed, or playing with toys.

Financially, I am working to become debt free (almost there) so that it is not a burden to me when he gets here and the need for medical, braces, etc arises. I want to not have to worry about how I will make it each month.

Starting the update process

Friday I left work early to head down to BCI (Background of Criminal Investigation) to get both mine and my mom's fingerprints done again. I then headed straight to the Post Office and paid to have them sent overnight to the FBI.

I am hoping to have the report back on Tuesday, at which point I will take the report and pay to have it sent overnight to the Immigration office. Then I wait to have an appointment scheduled (by them) to go down and get fingerprinted. 

Basically, the answer to your question is Yes..... I just said I got fingerprinted so that I could get fingerprinted.

There is no point to asking why, I don't understand it either. But trust me, I asked that question a lot the first time round. Nowadays I just do what they ask.

I have no idea what the timeframe for the Immigration office is, but I was told the FBI was 11 weeks out. (I paid extra to have the report completed overnight) in hopes we don't have this problem.

This all is what has to be done before my paperwork expires in September, or I will have to redo certain paperwork with fees. Please pray things move quickly.

No word on being matched with another little boy yet.  I am told they are working on it, so I have to have the faith they are.

I will continue to post updates though, Inmay not always share them. The big ones, I will. Just know that if you sign up to follow me via email, you will get an email with each posting.

Thank you all for the many kind words of support and understanding. Thank you for the stories of what some of you have gone through. I am blessed with the love of many friends and family.

Home Study update meeting

Last night I met with the social worker assigned to me, so we could update my home study report. As we sat down, she asked me about my conversation with the adoption agency worker, Kathy. I felt like she was fishing to see what my story was going to be, compared to what Kathy told her. (Since I knew they had already spoken on the phone, last week) It was about this time that I found out I was stronger about the loss of the little nugget matched to me, and the more questions she asked me, the more I realized that maybe he wasn't meant to be mine this whole time.

Let me explain:

As I started to tell Melissa (Social Worker) about the call. I found that I didn't get emotional. Yes it still hurts my heart, but that emotion part was gone. Answers came into my head that made sense of where I am. I told her how hard it had been the past week and the feeling of loss. I think she was looking to see where I was mentally and emotionally with what had happened. Did I hate the whole process? Was I angry and ready to pull out? Was I going to stop the process? Things I am sure she has dealt with on several occasions, being in this field of work.

She, then, started to ask about friends and relatives and how they are reacting. She started a question that I actually finished for her. (Can you guess the answer was yes?) She asked if I had people thinking this was a scam. Yes, very much I do. I have people who love me and are worried about me getting hurt. That is completely acceptable to me.  She told me about her brother and sister-in-law who had a little girl from Ethiopia matched, been out there to meet and build their relationship with her (a couple of times) and were on their way to pick her up when the birth mother changed her mind. Made me think that I was on the lucky side of this backward step.

She told me about a friend of hers who had adopted a little girl from China and when they got home, the mom wanted another one ASAP. Her husband said no and was pretty adamant about it, so she stopped talking about it, though she always felt there was another one there for them. One day, he came to her and told her that he was now ready and they started up the process. When they were matched with a little baby girl, the date of birth on her certificate was the day he told his wife he now felt ready to move forward. (Yes I got chills too).

As she told me this story, the thought came to my mind that I didn't know anything about this little boy except his name and his age. Though he had been chosen for me for about a years time, I had not emotionally or physically bonded with this guy. Really the pain stems from delays and just wanting to be a mom.....SO BADLY.  My mind moved forward with the thought that maybe this little boy was in place to keep my mind focused while the boy I am going to get was preparing to become available. Maybe it was The Lord's way of me keeping my mental stability while I wait for this to be completed.

I know that I felt at peace with where things are. It was like a moment of clarity after a week of my mind being in a haze of sadness, mixed with frustration. I am not saying I received answers for everything I am going through, but I did get what I needed to move forward from this setback. I am hoping that comes across and makes sense. (In my mind it does, but that can just be scary)

We then went over my paperwork, made sure that everything was correct and complete. Boring stuff that you really do not want me to report back to you.

So this is where I am, at this point. I have to go down to the Bureau of Criminal Investigation (BCI) to have fingerprints taken, submit those to the FBI for a background check, When I get the report back, I submit it to Immigration so I can get an appointment to get fingerprinted for them. All before September, when the paperwork expires.

She did mention that Ethiopia (which I had been assigned to for about 8 months) is moving slower than Haiti is right now. It is moving at a "snails" pace I am told. China is an option for me and things there are moving along quite quickly. However, my little man is not there, he is in Haiti. I was "told" that. I have to keep the faith, and I appreciate those who have faith in me that I am doing what I am supposed to be.

So ask me where I am emotionally. I will say drained. Ask me if I am angry. I will say no. I am not sure what I am feeling at this point. I just know that I am adopting a little boy, and that is a HUGE adventure in it's own right. With all good adventures, there is a wide range of emotions that go with it. There will always be ups and downs, that's what make the end result worth it. Those emotions are what make the memories come to mind when you look back on those photos (blogs).  This is a GRAND ADVENTURE and I will take all those emotions that go with it, so I can appreciate the reward at the end. Thank you for being a part of this with me.

I will continue to move forward and prepare for my little nugget, whoever he may be.  I will continue to hope and pray that it happens soon, but also in the time it is supposed to happen. One day you will all get to meet this little man, and I can't wait to make the rounds to introduce him to you all. I am providing an ultrasound photo so you can all see that he is still in there.

Kayleen's Kid Quest continues........... slowly, but continuing......

What does it all mean?

I have found that, in life, we don't get to choose the trials we have to experience. We don't get to choose when these trials will come up, so we aren't always ready to handle them the way we probably want to in the beginning.

Usually, after we figure it all out and know what's happened, we are then able to comfortably "know" how we should have handled it. It usually takes me a tad longer than most, and with the adoption I am clueless, sooooooo... 

We had a major step backwards this week. Let me tell you that it was hard. I felt blindsided and felt defeated. My heart was broken, and I am still trying to get answers for a better understanding of why and what comes next.

To be honest, I just don't know. I am working on making sure I get all my paperwork updated as some of it will be expiring in September. I have expanded the age range of the little boy I will be adopting so he might be older than the three year old they originally had picked for me. (See "Heartbroken but still alive" 7/10 post for story)

I am moving forward the best I can, not knowing how long I still have to wait to be a mom. I wish I had the answers for everyone who asks how it's going. Truth is, I just don't know. I pray daily for that knowledge, but I leave it in the hands of Him who knows.

I have an amazing support system who helped me, emotionally, through that day. I have great people who are behind me cheering me on. I thank you for all of that. Not sure I could do it without you.

We move forward with faith, with a slightly broken but hopeful heart. The key here is that I am moving forward.

Kayleen's Kid Quest continues.....

Heartbroken but still alive

3:12pm on 7/8/2015 I was sitting in a doctor appt with Grandma O, my phone rang and my heart leapt as I saw that it was Kathy from CHI. I couldn't answer at that moment, but as my phone buzzed again noting that I had a voice mail, I pretty much stopped listening to the doctor and could only focus on maybe this is "THE" call I had been waiting on.

It was another 10 minutes with questions and answers going back and forth, me just praying it would be finished soon.  Finally that moment came and it took everything I had to wait until I got outside to listen to the message. Kathy asked me to call her quickly. Thank goodness for cell phones and the ability to hit one line and have it re-dial. I sat in my car and listened as she explained that they completed the 2nd birth father interview and he declined to give his son up, then took him home with him. My mind and heart went numb, most of what she said after that is a blur, though I remember her talking about some older boys and being the most patient adoptive parent ever.

I kept my composure until we hung up, then I lost it. All emotions balled up into tears. what more could I do at that moment? There were no words to explain what was going through my mind. There was nothing I could punch that wouldn't shoot an airbag back at me. So tears came. After that I went numb, no emotions, no words, not even sure I was existing at that moment.

My heart broke right about 3:25pm that day. For one full year I had mentally, emotionally and physically prepared myself to become his mama. I knew his name, and his age and had made plans, oh so many plans in my mind for when he got here with me. All taken away in a 5 minute phone call.

Yes, my life moves forward. I get up every day and go to work, I do what I need to do to go on.

Outwardly most people won't even know I have gone through this. Smile on my face, jokes when appropriate, etc

Inwardly, I feel so broken. My mind and heart are still numb. My brain only thinks about a new boy with a new wait time. Will it now take another year? Why after all this time did he refuse to allow him to be adopted? Why me? (I know that is selfish, but I just want to be something to someone)

Updated my paperwork today with new age range from 2-9 years old. We will see what happens. I still trust that the little nugget I get will be the one I am supposed to raise. We will both get what we need in each other. He doesn't even know I exist, he doesn't even know I am working towards becoming his mama. His pain is so different than mine.

How I pray for strength, how I pray for understanding of all this process. I hope I feel the answers soon.

Kayleen's Kid Quest continues.........

I hope I am always there for you.....

Yesterday was a pretty rough day. I was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed. My heart was heavy and my mind felt like it was going to explode. It felt that the weight of so much was on my shoulders. I felt like I could burst into tears at any moment.  I went home to an empty house and just wanted to cry. Then, when I didn't think anything else could weigh me down, it did.

It made me think of you and all the things you will be going through as you get here and settle into life. Then as the weight of a new world, a new home, a new language, school, sports, etc start to enter into your life. I want to make sure you always feel like you have someone you know you can talk to. I never want you to feel alone and not have someone to talk to and share your feelings with.

So many thoughts about what you will be feeling when you get here. So many things I need to figure out so that I can help you be an outgoing and truly happy little boy. I want you to know who you are, I want you to always feel wanted and loved. I want you to be AWESOME like your mama.

One more thing to think about while I wait for that email about you. I love you little man, even though I haven't met you.

Do you understand?

As I scurry around trying to get the updated paperwork completed, I have to stop and wonder what you are doing today, my little man.  What does your day hold? Schooling, playing with friends, learning to make your bed, and brush your teeth? In your little three year old mind, are you wondering about who your mama is going to be? Is that something you even think about? Is that a concept you even grasp at so young of age?

At three, do you even know that you might be adopted by someone? Do you understand what adoption is, what it means to you and the one trying to adopt you? Do you feel loved? Do you even know what love feels like?

Love is something I can't wait to give you. I can't wait to hug you a hundred times a day. I can't wait to kiss your little cheeks and tell you how much I love you and how happy I am that I get to be your mama. I can't wait to show you a world you have never seen, a place you never knew existed. I can't wait to teach you all the things that will help you grow and become who you are meant to be.

Maybe once I have you in my arms, my mind will slow down. It won't run a thousand miles a minute with everything I have to get done, with all the new emotions I am feeling, with questions I can't find answers for, and with feelings which are so new to me I am not sure what to do with them.

You are so loved already, my little nugget. You are loved by many, who simply love me. I cannot wait for you to meet those who have helped me bring you home. Those who you will call family.

Praying that Kayleen's Kid Quest brings him home........soon

I love you little man.

Do you know?

Do you know how badly I want you?

Do you know that my thoughts are constantly on you and our life together?

Do you know that I would give up almost everything to have you in my arms?

Do you know I want you to take on my last name?

Do you know how much I want to spoil you?

Do you know how much I love you?

Do you know I exist?

Do you know how much I want to tell you this face to face?